Updates

In case anyone out there is reading this defunct record of my sad little life, there have been some changes. For one, I am officially done with my first semester of Library school (that much closer to a lifetime of books...) Then there is the fact that I am seeing a guy. This is a pretty big deal in my world, since it so seldomly happens. The truth about this guy is that we aren't really seeing each other in the traditional sense. I guess you can say that we just take advantage of each other to feel a little less lonely, though most of the time we are pretty unsuccessful. It is fun though, because he challenges me to be myself, which is something I'm usually not. 

I make no sense, I know. I think sometimes its better not to think about it. But I get the feeling that perhaps who I am is a base, disgusting, creature that is not worth the air she breathes (which would explain why I am constantly trying to justify my existence based on the slight chance that people might actually want me around, because to some degree I make them happy). Really, I'm not depressed. This is me in my rawest form. 

I am truly pleased with myself for going out of my way to invade people's lives. I know that perhaps my methods are unorthodox and incomprehensible, but I also know that I make people feel alive, that I too, am a threat. Living dangerously close to something that could be the end of the world as my subjects have known it: this is what I do for people. It makes me happy that I can offer this kind of escapism, even if most people cannot appreciate it for what it is worth. And yes, I do recognize that I am too much. 

My level of intensity is frightening even for me. I did not ask to be this way. I am still struggling with this part of me that on the exterior looks like a magnificent gift that I should be thankful for, but that is really nothing more than an incredibly heavy burden. 

So, that's what's new...which isn't new at all, really. 

For reasons beyond my comprehension, I have this odd tingling sensation, like I have two people on either side of me kissing the nape of my neck. What baffles me most is the fact that I cannot distinguish whether these "phantom kisses" arise out of a strong desire to be kissed, or some kind of neurological disorder (the same one perhaps that makes intense waves of color suddenly emmanate out of random objects?). This wouldn't be the first time I experience these sensations either. I should probably just enjoy the feeling instead of worrying about it.

Discouraging, isn't it?

It seems I only come on this things when things aren't going particularly well. I have some updates fro you:

I am now a vegetarian. It is pretty sweet. I am really enjoying all of the research involved in order to make sure that I am getting an adequate nutrition. Also, going to health food stores in Madrid is really interesting, though, I must confess that finding certain things has proven a little more difficult than expected, like chia seeds, for example.

I have also been wracking my brains trying to decide what the heck it is I am going to do with the rest of my life. As if I could have any idea given my current menatl stupor and greeness.

Reading a lot of blogs on librarianship and the truth is that librarians seem to be really pissed off all the time, and I am wondering if that is the kind of thing that I want for myself.

I am also wondering how the hell I am going to pay for library school and make ends meet in Boston. I hope that somehow, a giant pile of money falls out of the sky and into my lap.

I am also conteplating my imminent departure from Madrid and it is making me incredibly sad because I huge part of me doesn't want to go. sigh.

I am worried about my parents these days as they seem to be aging at an alarming rate and I think they are going to need me a lot sooner that I had expected.

I am also pretty lonely and in need of companionship.

Balls.